the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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