Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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