I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
