everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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