She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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