Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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