I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
