I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
