also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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