Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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