His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
