And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
