can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
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Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
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Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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