Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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