Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
