Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
