so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
