I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
