roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
