i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
