i barfeds in our rink
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
