You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
