Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
