Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
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