if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
