I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
