how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
