Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
