let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
