You're completely useless in the revolution.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
