maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
