her vagine was all disorganized.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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