Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
