Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
