I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I am available for nakedness
Randomize
