Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
