Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
