I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
