i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
