you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
