drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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