Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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