i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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