I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
