Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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