I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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