Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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