I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
