apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
as a side note pls kill me
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
