I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
