If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
