your parents love me but you hate me
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
