All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
