I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
