He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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