I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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