I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"