no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed