me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
