the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
