Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
