tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
