when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
