I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
