I want to have your abortion
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
