i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
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One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
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I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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